Figgis 10: The Corpse In The Boot

 The Corpse In The Boot

"So what now?" Theresa asked.

Figgis shrugged.

They walked home. It was four miles. Bel moaned the entire journey. She complained about leaving her body in the car, she moaned that she hated that she had no way of knowing where she was, she said she'd wring the necks of the bastards who nicked the car but she didn't have a physical presence to do it with. Figgis suggested she go haunt them instead and this was met with a snippy reply. Apparently this was all his fault. They wouldn't have nicked it if she's still been on the back seat. She berated him for being careless, for being unfeeling and for being an insensitive prick. Figgis suggested if she didn't like his company, perhaps she should just fuck off.

So she did. Five minutes from home she announced she was going to find someone who appreciated her situation and stormed off in the opposite direction. Theresa sighed.

"I'll go after her," Theresa offered.

"Do what you like," Figgis replied. He watched the ghost stomping silently down the pavement and the winged bat-angel run after her, trip and fall flat on the pavement. For a moment he considered going after them. But they weren't his problem. If they wanted him, they knew where he lived. He had other things to do.

Back at home he was going to report the car stolen. He still hadn't reported the burglary. He figured he may as well do both at the same time. But first, tea.

He didn't get a chance to phone the police, they knocked on the door not ten minutes later.

he opened the door to two burly police officers who seemed to have been cut from the same mold; five foot six, two feet wide, stern eyes and stubble. Even the female officer.

"Figgis?" The woman officer asked. "Mr..."

"Yes, that's me." Figgis replied.

"We're here about your vehicle."

Figgis smiled. "Oh, that was quick, I was just about to phone you."

"Do you own a Volkswagon Beetle? A purple, white and blue Beetle?"

"I do."

"And do you know anything about the contents of the boot?"

"Yes, there's a body in it," Figgis said. "We put it in there for safekeeping whilst we were in the pub."

The male officer turned to the female officer. "Excellent. Cuffs?"

The smile dropped from Figgis's face. "Wait, it's not a dead body,"

"Oh really?" Female officer checked her notes. "Well, we'd like you to come down to the station and answer a few questions. Regarding this not-dead corpse."

"It's not a corpse." Figgis said. "Look, I can explain."

Male officer's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Oh really? Let's get you down to the station and you can tell us the tale."

Figgis was led to the car and invited to sit in the back seat. The drive to the station was short. Figgis tried to tell them that the body was not a corpse, but was detached from the spirit, that its owner was still very much alive and whinging and would probably appreciate her body back. The officers ignored him.

Figgis had all but given up when they drove past Theresa and Bel. Figgis had never been so glad to see anyone in all his life.

"Look! It's her body! Her there!"

The car stopped.

"That woman has wings," female officer said.

"It's not her body. The other one." Figgis tried to open the car door. It didn't open, the police not being overly trusting of potential criminals.

The male officer wound down his window and called to Bel, who stomped over to the car, her face still not a picture of cheerfulness.

"What have you done now?" Bel demanded of Figgis.

"I didn't do anything!" Figgis snapped. "Tell them it's your body in the boot of my car."

"It's my body." Bel said. "Is it okay?"

The officers looked at each other. "You're a ghost?"

"Yes."

"And he didn't kill you?"

"Nope. Although if I was reunited with my body I might consider killing him, bloody careless imbecile."

"We were victims of a fly-by-night transformation studio," Theresa said, "I am a vampire - sort of - and Bel was seperated from her body. We put it in the boot whilst we went for a pint. Nobody killed anyone, we were just trying to think of something to do with it,"

"So if we could just come with you and collect it, all will be sorted out, won't it?" Bel asked. "I'm going to look into some sort of long term storage, I hear they have these things now."

The officers looked at one another again. Finally the woman spoke. "I'm afraid I have some really bad news for you. The car was involved in a rather serious collision. I'm afraid your um body, is now definitely dead."

"And my car?" Figgis asked.

"Never mind your bloody car!" Bel shouted, "I'm dead and all you can think of is your bloody piece of crap car?"

"To be fair, you were mostly dead before," Theresa commented mildly.

Figgis opened his mouth to complain but found the world going swimmy. He felt the most odd sensations in his skin and his bones. He opened his mouth again. Barked.

Oh great, he thought, I'm a dog again.