Parenting The Under 5s

something a wee bit different for the next couple of days.

TEN BITS OF ADVICE FOR PARENTING THE UNDER-FIVES

1) SLEEP. You used to love sleep. Used. To Love. Actually, you still do love sleep. Except now you get to love it in slices of an hour. Two hours. Maybe an entire night if you bribed someone else and are in a different house to your children. The parenting books tell you to prepare for a few months of sleepless nights. Months is accurate. Your child may learn to sleep through in two months. You child may not learn to sleep through until they are 40 months old.  You learn to function on three hours and a half hour nap whilst Fireman Sam is on.

2) FOOD. Yes, of course you were going to spend your time pureeing bananas and lovingly preparing home-cooked weaning food. And yes, a year into this gig you find yourself giving your child a 3rd yoghurt in as many hours and sharing a bag of quavers. That's okay, welcome to the club. We all intended to give them mashed swede and instead resorted to baked beans. And any seasoned parent knows that toddlers live on a diet of fresh air and whatever they can pull out of the folds in the sofa. This section is alternatively entitled "how do you have so much energy when you won't eat a blasted thing?"

3) POO. It comes with the territory, you knew you were going to have to change shitty nappies. But despite all the information given in pregnancy, nobody managed to get through to you just how hard it is to wipe merconuim off a newborn's arse (seriously, the stuff clings better than paint). Here is more helpful information... a child will always crap in a clean nappy, a child will only have the squits when your stock of nappies is looking low, and will definitely always do a surprise crap when you have to be somewhere else in ten minutes.

4) PUKE. Newborn sick smells of milk. Toddler sick smells of puke. Proper adult puke. Here's what they don't tell you; children will vomit when they are ill, over-excited, in cars, on rides that barely move, because they saw the dog puke, in temper, and sometimes for no reason whatsoever. My pro-tip for puke is this: cat litter. Throw over offending mess, go have a pot of tea, sweep up. You're welcome.

5) ILLNESS. All the 'S's. Sicks, squits, snots, spots and seriously ill. For the first four just accept you've got several days of whining, endless juice making, snacks that won't be eaten, temperature taking, medicine giving (use a syringe, trust me) and no sleep. And more whining. A bit of luck, they'll be recovered just in time for the next one to go down with it. For Seriously Ill, find a professional. Prepare for quite a bit of thinking your child is Seriously Ill, only for said child to make a miraculous recovery in the GP surgery.

6) PARASITES. You expect a puppy to get worms and fleas. Yes, your child is no different. They will get worms, they will get headlice. The puppy is easier to treat. You are going to be on first name terms with your pharmacist. Buy a nitty gritty comb and prepare to do battle.

7) WHINING AND TANTRUMS. You're going to have days where all you want to do is whine and throw a paddy. Unlike a toddler, it's probably not going to get you anywhere. If your child is doing it, calmly carry on with a smile plastered on your face ignoring the shocked looks of your fellow shoppers. Resist the urge to bribe your child, it only makes them do it again. And yes, every mother-to-be has vowed never to use the "I will leave you here if you don't stop!" line. And every parent has used it. When you feel yourself heading towards a tantrum, self medicate with tea. And five minutes locked in the bathroom.

8) CRYING. You expect them to cry. But maybe you didn't expect them to cry for five hours straight. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they do that ear-splitting howl for no reason you can see other than the cat looked at them funny. Change them, feed them, rock them. If all else fails, bung them in the cot and have five minutes in the bathroom with a cup of tea and let them scream. Have a bit of a cry yourself. Also, try loud music.

9) PLAYING. Bung them on the floor with lots of toys. Stick cbeebies on. Invite another mother and toddler round. Here's a factlet; you will never have enough toys to keep them happy. Give them a wooden spoon and a pan to bash it with. Give them three baths a day when that is the only thing they want to do. Take them to the park. Even when it's raining.

10) PARENTAL GUILT. Let it go. They say the first five years are the hardest. All you have to do is survive it. You got your child to school age. They are fit, toilet-trained, verbose, independent creatures. Drop them off at nursery with a smile on your face, try not to cry until youare past the school gates. If they cried, they will be fine. Honest. Go home and pretend to relax for two hours. Try not to cry at the state of your house.

Tomorrow... parenting school-age children...