Parenting Teens

 SIX THINGS ABOUT PARENTING TEENAGERS

MOODSWINGS. Technically these start way before children are actually teenagers. In the same way that children develop the "terrible twos" at sixteen months, teenager tantrums usually start at about ten years old. These usually take the form of stomping around blowing the hair out of their long emo fringes, slamming doors and the screaming of "it's not fair!" Also to be expected is floods of tears (boys and girls), fits of depression and general waily waily. This is the time when you wonder if you are raising a sociopath, an anarchist or possibly even a kleptomaniac. Chances are they're just not through puberty yet.

MUSIC AND FASHION  Mostly, it's terrible. Teens seem to go one of two ways during these years. Team Shite Pop or Team Screechy Metal.  Team Shite Pop listen to the most horrendous crap the charts have to offer, they want to dress like pimps and prostitutes and walk around calling each other "ho" and "nigga". Or they favour Team Screechy Metal. Which involves wearing lots of black, dark eyeshadow (yes, even the boys) and not washing their hair for three weeks at a time. It doesn't matter what their listening to, to you it sounds like noise with words shouted over the top and you hate it.  Both teams will wear lots of bad jewelry and eye up unsuitable tattoos. Take no heed, in twenty years time they will be sending their own teens back upstairs to change and wondering why music has gotten so bad.

BOUNDARIES. They want you to believe they are not children any more. You want to believe they still are, but as they get taller than you, the truth begins to sink in. Most of your battles are going to be about boundaries. What time they should come home is a popular one. Try a curfew, not too early, but not really late either. Be flexible if they have Important Shit to do and will be home late. Compromise is key. Letting your 13 year old out until 10pm if they are at their friend's two doors up is different from them wandering around the local park. Bedtime is another contentious area. Perhaps have a "bedtime" where they have to be upstairs, but don't have to be asleep. All teens are hell to get up in the morning, that's biology.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL Teach your kids to drink. Or rather, teach them to drink responsibly. When you're at a family party and your thirteen year old is eyeing up the alcopops, tell them they can have one and to make it last. Tell your fifteen year old they have a limit of two beers. Drink responsibly in front of them. If they see you necking coke between the glasses of wine, they might just do the same.  Teach them to know their limits. Despite all this, you're almost guaranteed for them to overdo it one night and you'll find yourself hanging a six foot child over a toilet and telling them that it's okay, they really are not going to die. Dole out paracetamol and mild pisstake the next morning and make them wash their own bedding. Or whatever they puked on. As for other drugs, arm yourself with shitloads of information. Arm THEM with shitloads of information.

SEX. They are going to do it. Try stop them. No really, have a go. You may be all smug and thinking that your sweet sixteen year old is still virginal when in fact they are getting it more often than you are. So once you accept the fact that your child is now almost an adult with sexual desires, the important thing is safety. Buy a stash of condoms and give them to your child, or tell them that they can get them free from the family planning centre. Talk to them. Yeah, it may be a contest to see who has the redder face, but if you managed the tampax talk five years ago, you can do this. Be nice to their boy/girlfriends, be nice to them when everything goes tits up. If your child decides they are batting for the other team, be their biggest supporter. And if safety fails and your child tells you that they are making you a grandparent ten years earlier than expected, wrap your arms around that child and tell them you'll be there for them.

MISTAKES. They are going to make them. Most will be small. Some will be huge, life-altering mistakes. Whether it's an indiscreet tattoo of a dolphin on their belly, a criminal conviction for shoplifting, or presenting you with a baby boy on your thirty-sixth birthday. If you can talk to your kids and keep the lines of communication open, you're a whole lot more likely to develop a different (but fulfilling) relationship with them as they transition to adulthood. You're no longer the boss of them, but a guide, an influence. Eventually, you may become good friends.

And that's when you can see  you did a great job being a parent.  Except it doesn't stop there. My dad used to say the first twenty years were the worst. And then I hit that, so he upped it to twenty-five years.
He's still upping it...